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Sometimes, I’m a pain in the…….. October 14, 2012

Filed under: funny,husbands,marriage,PMS — ddl6 @ 2:54 pm
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I have raging PMS right now.  That may be too much info for you, but I feel the need to warn the public.  I cried at Modern Family the other night.  I will cut anyone for a piece of chocolate.  I could eat a whole damn loaf of pumpkin bread.  If anyone so much as looks at me the wrong way, I want to rip their head off.  Unfortunately, my poor husband bares the brunt of this scary week each month.

The other day I was thinking about how much my husband was pissing me off. The more I thought about it the more irritated I became.  In an attempt to get out of my own head and to calm down, I began to list mentally, all the things that I do that piss my husband off.  I can blame PMS for many of my complaints about him,but not the other way around. So, I came up with a list of things that I do that tick P-Daddy off……I hope you enjoy it.

  1. I put things on his tool bench.  This ticks him off so much that when he annoys me, I do it just to spite him.
  2. Instead of eating a whole cookie, brownie or any sweet we have in the house, I just break off pieces all day. In my mind, that’s better than shoving a whole cookie in my mouth at one time.
  3. I constantly ask him medical questions as if he’s a doctor.  Then, I get mad when he doesn’t have the answers.
  4. When I watch anything about politics I get way too fired up and angry.  He won’t watch political shows with me anymore because I get too worked up.  The other night he looked at me in disbelief and said “Why are you yelling? We are on the same side.”  I’m passionate, okay?
  5. When we get in bed at night, I always want to talk about the day, to connect.  Oh,he wants to “connect” too, but in a much different way and all my talking gets in the way of his idea of a “connection.”
  6. When I get my hair colored, I ask him over and over if it looks good. Does it look natural? Is it blended okay? Is it the right shade? Does the color make me look old?  I know it drives him crazy, but I still do it.
  7. Parenthood, Cougar Town and Real Housewives of wherever.  I love all these shows and he can’t stand them.
  8. He is always right on time.  I am ALWAYS late.  Always.
  9. Pinterest.  I am obsessed with it and I want to show him all the awesome things I find on it.  He doesn’t share my enthusiasm……at all.  His eyes glaze over when I share the exciting new way of getting stains out of carpet or the great appetizer I found.
  10. I am always cold.  I have a winter uniform that I put on as soon as I walk in the house, all Mr. Rogers-like.  It’s a pink zip up fleece jacket.  Last year during the winter my husband worked in another state during the week, so I got in the habit of wearing my fleece jacket to bed.  One night, I climbed into bed with it on. He sat up in bed and asked me what the hell I was wearing?  I told him I was cold.  He said ” That’s embarrassing. No zip up jackets to bed.  What’s wrong with you?”
  11. I fall asleep during movies all the time.
  12. The way I drive really irritates him.  I go too slow.  I turn down the music when I’m turning left.  I don’t like to pass people.  I use my turning signal when I turn into the driveway.  He can’t stand it.
  13. I always hear noises at night and I want him to check them out.  Once, I was SURE that I heard someone downstairs so in a panic, I woke him up and asked him to go check it out.  He got out of bed, dressed, got a weapon and dialed 911 and gave me his phone.  He told me to press call if he told me to.  He went and searched the house.  It took a really long time and I was tired, so I feel asleep with the phone right next to me, all ready to dial 911.  He came upstairs after his search and there I was, sound asleep.  Ding dang, he was LIVID…….oops.
  14. Our laundry room is upstairs.  When I don’t feel like folding the  clothes right away, I throw them on our bed and sometimes forget to fold them.  He gets so annoyed when he goes to bed and there is a mountain of clothes on it.  He mutters under his breath and gets all pissy.
  15. P-Daddy also has an irrational fear of roaches.  I mean, nobody likes them, but he FLIPS out when he sees them.  He will kill them, but I am the one who has to flush them down the toilet.  I can’t help it, I always wave the roach in front of him and chase him with it.  Mr. I’m so Laid Back FREAKS out and starts dropping F bombs left and right, “Seriously Claire, that’s not f-ing funny!”  It’s hilarious.

That’s all I can think of at the moment.  I’m sure if you asked my husband, he could add a few more.  For better or worse, in good times and in bad, during PMS and after, he’s stuck with me.  Now, I’m off to show him this awesome idea for old toilet paper rolls I found on Pinterest.

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The whine list July 1, 2012

I don’t know if it’s this dreadful heat, the fact that my kids still have 7 more weeks of summer break, or PMS, but I have been in a ding dang bad mood. Everything is irritating me lately. I’m even bringing myself down. So, as I was trying to come up with a new blog post, an idea came to me: I decided to make a “batpoop list”.  A list of all the things that drive me batpoop crazy.  It might be cathartic for me and maybe I’ll stop being such a B about everything. Cross your fingers.

Before I start, I just want to state that in general, I am a pretty happy person. I love my life. Sure, bad stuff happens, but bad stuff happens to everyone. I am blessed beyond belief and I know it. I just feel like complaining. Is that so wrong? If a girl can’t complain on her own blog, where can she complain? Without any further ado, here in no particular order is my “List of things that drive me batpoop crazy”. If you can relate to anything on this list, give me a “WORD.”

  • Unmade beds.I can’t stand the sight of an unmade bed. It seriously causes anxiety for me. I can’t leave the house until all beds are nice and neat. The problem is, an unmade bed doesn’t bother anyone else in my family.
  • I have talked about this next one before. I hate it when I let someone in front of me, whether it’s in the carpool line at my kid’s school, on the road, parking lot or whatever, and I don’t get the “thank-you” wave. It pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. I’m not asking for a thank-you note, just a little wave.
  • Peas. I think they smell and taste like feet. Yuck.
  • When my kids argue. Oh.My.Word, it drives me crazy!!!!! Seriously, y’all are going to fight about who saw the punchbuggy first? Really????
  • When my kids call my name from upstairs when I’m downstairs or vice versa. But they don’t wait for me to answer, they just yell “MOM,MOM, MOM,MOM,MOM!” Over and over again. Oh, no they didn’t.
  • Grocery shopping with my kids. Do I really need to explain myself?
  • Shopping with my husband. Again, no explanation needed.
  • The band Creed. Hate them.
  • When a parent says “My child would never say or do that.” That will bite you in the arse one day, believe me.
  • When my husband says “Relax.” when I’m angry. I can almost guarantee that I will not relax. My head will probably start spinning around and green bile will fly out of my mouth.
  • The fact that my children seem to “forget” everyday tasks like, putting clothes in the hamper, hanging up wet towels, closing doors behind them, brushing teeth and hair. Why? How?
  • The fact that the boys cannot put all their pee in the toilet……ever.
  • Getting into a cold bed. F-bombs will fly out of my mouth in rapid succession.
  • Unsolicited parenting advice. Ummm, I’m sorry, did I ask for your opinion? Probably not.
  • The sound of the TV on during the day.
  • The fact that I will say to my husband “You just don’t know how badly they behave sometimes. YOU take them on errands and see how it is!” He will take all 4 to do something like grocery shop or to church and they are perfect little angels……. punks.
  • Making dinner in the summer. Why is it so damn hard?
  • When my husband asks me to iron for him. It really makes me mad and I don’t know why. It’s weird.
  • When people see that my birthday is December 26th and feel the need to tell me why that sucks. Thank you. Now, please tell me something I don’t know. It’s been my birthday for 36 years….I get it.
  • Maybe because my birthday is when it is,  I can’t stand Christmas after Christmas. One of my presents each year is that my husband and kids take down the tree and all other things Christmas on my birthday. And when I see a wreath or lights up too long after, it kind of infuriates me.
  • My children talking to me after bedtime. When I have given baths, read stories and kissed foreheads, that’s it, my shift is over.
  • When complete strangers make comments regarding the size of our family or ask about my form of birth control. It’s rude and uncalled for and it suprises me every time.
  • When I tell people I’m a stay at home mom and they say ” Oh, so you don’t work?” Nope, not at all! I just sit and watch Real Housewives all day, jerk.
  • People who always have it “worse” than you. Example, you mention you have a cold and they say “Well, I flatlined last night.” Okay, you win.
  • When people say to me “You’re going to miss this.” I know I will, really I do. But right now, my 2-year -old is begging me to read to him while I’m trying to make dinner,my 5-year-old is crying because his Lego tower keeps falling over, my 8 and 10- year- olds are engaged in WWIII because one looked the wrong way at the other one. I will miss it, but I need a few years to forget how hard it really is.

That’s about all I can think of right now. You know what? I am actually feeling better. Thanks for listening.

 

Grow Up June 29, 2012

Last night my husband and I watched the movie Step Brothers. I’m not going to lie, I found it absolutely hilarious. It got me thinking about how my sense of humor has changed over the years. Instead of maturing, I find myself regressing. My humor is now that of a 12-year-old boy.

I have one sister and growing up, we didn’t have a lot of potty humor in our home. My parents weren’t into that sort of thing. We laughed a great deal, but not at stuff like burping and such. I have always loved slap stick comedy, but that was about as “low” as I went in terms of humor.

I met my husband when I was fourteen and to quote that anti-drug commercial from the 80’s, ” I learned it from watching you!” or him.

My husband is the youngest of 5 boys and there was no shortage of potty humor in his house. I think I was shocked by it at first but I soon grew to appreciate a well thought out, dirty joke. His brothers are all intelligent and witty men now and they make me laugh for many reasons, but when they do share a potty joke, I am delighted by it. Probably more than I should be.

We have a girl and three boys and we hear plenty of fart, burp and ,ahem, testicle jokes. I know I shouldn’t laugh at them but I just can’t help it. My husband will shake his head and say ” I know it’s funny, but you can’t encourage them to behave like that.” Riiiigggghhhttt, because he is SOOOOO mature. He does have a point though, but sometimes ignoring it can be…..challenging.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my husband and I took all those classes to “prepare” for childbirth and being parents. I don’t mean to be rude, but what a ding dang joke! The only things we took away from those classes were 1) the right “breathing” during childbirth doesn’t work 2) drugs DO work 3) we wouldn’t be taking those classes with our future children and 4) the story that I will now share.

During one of the childbirth preparation classes, we worked on breathing during birth process. We were in a class of about 20 couples. The instructor went over all the types of relaxation and breathing techniques and then asked all of us to join her on the floor to practice.

She asked that we sit in a semi-circle around her. She had us moms lean back against our partner’s chests with our knees up and our hands underneath our knees. She got down on the floor to demonstrate the correct position. When she had assumed the position, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath……….. and with all eyes on her, released a sudden, quick, but clearly audible fart. I looked around the room and there was no reaction. Even she didn’t blink an eye. Come on, were these people serious? Nobody even smiled! Well, nobody that is, except me and my husband.

I was shaking and turning red, trying not to laugh. I could feel my husband shaking behind me. I was even trying out some of the damn breathing exercises just to control my laughter. It was awful. Finally, in desperation I started fake coughing, but by then my husband was outright laughing. We had to excuse ourselves from the room. We made it down the hall before we lost it. I thought I was going to go into labor  from the sheer force of my laughter. It was an embarrassing display of our lack of self-control and our obviously immature sense of humor. We didn’t go back into class that night.

This happened over 10 years ago, but the thing is, if it happened again tonight, we would react the same way………