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Calgone, take me away…… February 26, 2013

I never get “free” time. Seriously, even when I get me time it usually involves doing something for my kids or they are all up in my ding dang business. I’m not complaining, it is what it is. I know when they are teenagers I’ll probably miss them pushing notes under the bathroom door while I’m trying to go. Maybe?

What I don’t understand is why they NEVER bother their father when he’s showering, pooping or on the phone. When I’ve asked them about this they have actually had the nerve to tell me that, ” Dad doesn’t want us to bother him.” What. The. Hell? What about my yelling, ” LEAVE ME ALONE FOR 5 FLIPPING MINUTES” has led you to believe that I want y’all to bother ME????

My husband says, rather smugly, that it’s because I have “allowed” this behavior to happen and now they don’t see boundaries. Please spare me. I am pretty sure I have set boundaries and they just don’t give a crap.

Last night I wanted to take a hot bath. When I tell my kids where I’m going they always act like I’m going on two- week trip to Siberia and they ask all kinds of questions that I’m positive that they come up with when I tell them I’m taking a bath: Did you sign my homework sheet? Can you look over my paragraph? Where’s Red Hulk? Can you make me chocolate milk? Can you play a game with me? These requests always come after they have otherwise been ignoring me for the last three hours.

Last night, my three sons were at a friend’s house, so it was just my daughter asking questions. Then she had the nerve to whine, ” But I wanted to take a bath! You’ll use all the hot water!” You’re damn right I’ll use all the hot water. Now, leave me alone. I got my beer and book and headed for 20 minutes of relative “peace.”

I had about 5 minutes of solitude when I heard my bedroom door slam open and see the bathroom doorknob twist back and forth (of course I locked the door). Then the rapid knocking started.
Me: ” WHAT? Who is it?”

Blake: ” Uh…..Blake Blake Kew-eee (Kelly). Is that you, mommy?” Who the hell does the kid think it is??? Bob, from down the street?

Me: ” Yes, it’s mommy and I’m taking a bath. I’ll be out in a little while. Why don’t you go play with your playdoh while daddy is making dinner?”

Blake: ” No, I don’t want to. Open this door, mom. I’m home from E’s house. Did you know I’m home?”

Me: “Yes, I can hear that you are home. Did you have a good time? I want to hear all about it when I’m out of the bath.I will come find you and you can tell me AFTER my bath.”

Blake: ” Well, we wrestled and played fuperheros (superheros). We watched TV and Fofie is fo funny(Sofie, the dog, is so funny). We were running”……..balh, blah, blah.

Me: ” Blake?” He was still rambling on and on. ” Blake?” Still going. ” BLAKE!!!!!”

Blake: Finally stopped, ” What, mommy?”

Me: ” Go downstairs with daddy, okay? I will talk to you in a bit. Go on, mommy wants privacy.”

Blake, quiet for a few seconds, then:” Um…….where was I? Oh yeah, then we played in E’s room and…..”

Me: ” Blake stop it! Leave the room now! I mean it!”

Blake: ” Mommy, get out of that bath, I hungey.”

Me: ” Dad is in the kitchen! Go ask him for some cheese or crackers. GO ON!”

Blake: ” What we having for dinner?”

Me, freaking out and yelling at this point: ” BLAKE, GO OUT OF HERE NOW!!!! DAD IS MAKING DINNER! ASK HIM!!! NOOOOOWWWW!”

Blake: ” Ooookaaay……….Mommy?……..Mommy?”

Me, growling: ” What?”

Blake” ” Can I have some almond milk?”

You get the picture? I spent 15 of my 25 minute bath trying to get him to leave me the flip alone. When I came downstairs my husband asked, ” How was your bath?” Blake smiled and said, ” It was great! Right, mommy?” Ding. Dang.


The Honey DON’T list September 2, 2012

I love my husband.  He is my best friend and the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.  He is a wonderful husband and a fantastic father.   He was made for me.  All that being said, we have known each other since we were 14 years old and we have been married for 12 years, and sometimes, the man can irritate the hell out of me.  He does things that make me want to pull my hair out.  I know for a fact that I annoy the ding dang out of him, but he doesn’t have a blog to write all those annoying habits down.  I do……..so there.

When we were young, we would have these huge, dramatic fights about dumb things.  We would break up and get back together 3 times a week.  It was ridiculous.  Now, we rarely fight.  We just bitch at each other sometimes.  I can’t speak to what I do that irritates him, but I can sure speak to what he does that irritates the flip out of me.  Here we go….

He is a freak about doors being shut.  I swear, he will start yelling ” Shut the door!” before someone is even through the damn thing.  “You’re letting all the AC out” or “you’re letting all the heat out!”  Drives me and the kids batty!

He can’t stand to let me drive anywhere while he’s in the car.  He makes a comment about everything I do when I am driving.  “You know, you can pass this guy? Why are you staying in this lane?  Do you always go this slow? Why do you go this way?” Seriously???????

He can’t just eat a bowl of ice cream.  He has to scrape the bowl and get  EVERY. LAST. BIT of ice cream out.  That man leaves nothing behind in the bowl.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

When I can’t think of something to make for dinner and I ask him for an idea he says, “How about spaghetti?” Every time. Every single time…….I hate spaghetti.

Before he gets into bed at night, he takes off his clothes and leaves them on the floor by his side of the bed.  I wouldn’t care if he put them in the hamper in the morning,  but does he?  Nope.  Never.

Once, when our second child was about a month old and we were tired, cranky and overwhelmed, we got into an argument about sharing responsibilities and he said ” Well, you get to relax and clean the kitchen every night.” Ummm, what?  I still get annoyed about that little comment.

He knows that I have to make all the beds and have the kitchen clean before I can leave the house,  but he is ticked at me every Sunday before church when I do these things.  It’s been 12 years, buddy.  It ain’t gonna change.

He wants me to go to bed at the same time as him every night.  He won’t say that though. He will ask ” So are you going to watch this whole thing?  What time are you planning on going to bed?  You know we have to get up early?”  Then he will pout.  Drives me insane.

He is a very helpful father.  He is not one of those dads who doesn’t get up with the kids, make dinner, etc. BUT he pisses me off about the  wash.  He will casually ask ” Do I have any clean underwear? Shorts? ” I get bitchy every time he asks this, yet he still does.

Ironing.  When asks me if I have ironed for him it creates a white-hot rage within me.  I will go to extreme lengths not to iron my own clothes but he wants me to iron his??????  When he comes home and I have had a bad day and I’m talking to him about it, I am still surprised that he has the cojones to ask ” Did you get a chance to iron?”  Oh, no he didn’t?!?!? Yep, he did.

My husband is very handy.  Really, he can fix anything or build anything.  That is great most of the time, but it’s so annoying when I show him something that I want to do around the house and he says ” Oh, I can do that.”  I know he CAN but it takes him MONTHS to get around to doing it.  Sometimes, I would just rather pay someone.

He is the king of deals.  Really, he always finds a way to save money or get a deal on something.  That is great, but he always expects me to bargain like he does.  I don’t have that kind of personality.  He doesn’t give a flip about offending anyone with a lowball offer….doesn’t bother him one ding dang bit.  It bothers me and he just doesn’t understand why.

He doesn’t understand the need to buy clothes and shoes.  When I buy things he will say ” Don’t you already have a blue shirt?” As if I should only have ONE blue shirt. ” Don’t you have a pair of jeans? Do you really need more?” ….sigh.

He rarely gets mad or offended.  Now, this is a good and bad thing.  Sometimes when somebody has pissed me off and I tell him about it, I want him to be pissed too. No, he’s always so damn rational.  He always sees both sides.  How annoying.  I call my sister about things that really piss me off…….she’ll bitch with me.

He constantly moves his big toes.  Honestly, he is ALWAYS moving them.  Why?  That’s just weird.

Finally, the most annoying thing about my husband is that I can never stay mad or annoyed with him.  He always makes me laugh or smile when I don’t want to.  He brings out the best in me and always shows me the positive side of things.  Sometimes, I just want to be a miserable bitch.  Is that too much to ask?


The whine list July 2, 2012

The whine list.


The whine list July 1, 2012

I don’t know if it’s this dreadful heat, the fact that my kids still have 7 more weeks of summer break, or PMS, but I have been in a ding dang bad mood. Everything is irritating me lately. I’m even bringing myself down. So, as I was trying to come up with a new blog post, an idea came to me: I decided to make a “batpoop list”.  A list of all the things that drive me batpoop crazy.  It might be cathartic for me and maybe I’ll stop being such a B about everything. Cross your fingers.

Before I start, I just want to state that in general, I am a pretty happy person. I love my life. Sure, bad stuff happens, but bad stuff happens to everyone. I am blessed beyond belief and I know it. I just feel like complaining. Is that so wrong? If a girl can’t complain on her own blog, where can she complain? Without any further ado, here in no particular order is my “List of things that drive me batpoop crazy”. If you can relate to anything on this list, give me a “WORD.”

  • Unmade beds.I can’t stand the sight of an unmade bed. It seriously causes anxiety for me. I can’t leave the house until all beds are nice and neat. The problem is, an unmade bed doesn’t bother anyone else in my family.
  • I have talked about this next one before. I hate it when I let someone in front of me, whether it’s in the carpool line at my kid’s school, on the road, parking lot or whatever, and I don’t get the “thank-you” wave. It pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. I’m not asking for a thank-you note, just a little wave.
  • Peas. I think they smell and taste like feet. Yuck.
  • When my kids argue. Oh.My.Word, it drives me crazy!!!!! Seriously, y’all are going to fight about who saw the punchbuggy first? Really????
  • When my kids call my name from upstairs when I’m downstairs or vice versa. But they don’t wait for me to answer, they just yell “MOM,MOM, MOM,MOM,MOM!” Over and over again. Oh, no they didn’t.
  • Grocery shopping with my kids. Do I really need to explain myself?
  • Shopping with my husband. Again, no explanation needed.
  • The band Creed. Hate them.
  • When a parent says “My child would never say or do that.” That will bite you in the arse one day, believe me.
  • When my husband says “Relax.” when I’m angry. I can almost guarantee that I will not relax. My head will probably start spinning around and green bile will fly out of my mouth.
  • The fact that my children seem to “forget” everyday tasks like, putting clothes in the hamper, hanging up wet towels, closing doors behind them, brushing teeth and hair. Why? How?
  • The fact that the boys cannot put all their pee in the toilet……ever.
  • Getting into a cold bed. F-bombs will fly out of my mouth in rapid succession.
  • Unsolicited parenting advice. Ummm, I’m sorry, did I ask for your opinion? Probably not.
  • The sound of the TV on during the day.
  • The fact that I will say to my husband “You just don’t know how badly they behave sometimes. YOU take them on errands and see how it is!” He will take all 4 to do something like grocery shop or to church and they are perfect little angels……. punks.
  • Making dinner in the summer. Why is it so damn hard?
  • When my husband asks me to iron for him. It really makes me mad and I don’t know why. It’s weird.
  • When people see that my birthday is December 26th and feel the need to tell me why that sucks. Thank you. Now, please tell me something I don’t know. It’s been my birthday for 36 years….I get it.
  • Maybe because my birthday is when it is,  I can’t stand Christmas after Christmas. One of my presents each year is that my husband and kids take down the tree and all other things Christmas on my birthday. And when I see a wreath or lights up too long after, it kind of infuriates me.
  • My children talking to me after bedtime. When I have given baths, read stories and kissed foreheads, that’s it, my shift is over.
  • When complete strangers make comments regarding the size of our family or ask about my form of birth control. It’s rude and uncalled for and it suprises me every time.
  • When I tell people I’m a stay at home mom and they say ” Oh, so you don’t work?” Nope, not at all! I just sit and watch Real Housewives all day, jerk.
  • People who always have it “worse” than you. Example, you mention you have a cold and they say “Well, I flatlined last night.” Okay, you win.
  • When people say to me “You’re going to miss this.” I know I will, really I do. But right now, my 2-year -old is begging me to read to him while I’m trying to make dinner,my 5-year-old is crying because his Lego tower keeps falling over, my 8 and 10- year- olds are engaged in WWIII because one looked the wrong way at the other one. I will miss it, but I need a few years to forget how hard it really is.

That’s about all I can think of right now. You know what? I am actually feeling better. Thanks for listening.