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Just say, NO. June 6, 2014

Filed under: aging,funny,Parenting — ddl6 @ 9:31 am
Tags: , , ,

The older I get, the less I feel the need to explain myself.  I just don’t have time for that anymore.  Take it or leave it, that’s the truth.  That’s why, over the last year or so, I have taken to responding to things that confuse, anger or upset me with one simple phrase: “No.”  Yep, no.  It explains so much on its own, don’t you agree?  I do.  That’s why, for my first blog post in nine ding, dang months, I will list the things that I feel……no………just,no, about.  No explanations, just, no.  Here we go, in no particular order.

  1. Geese. No.
  2. Duck Dynasty. No
  3. The band, Florida/Georgia Line. No.
  4. Decaf coffee. No.
  5. Talking, non-stop, about how busy you are. No.
  6. Disney. No.
  7. Anne Hathaway. No.
  8. Coughs.  No.
  9. High rise shorts. No.
  10. Goat cheese.  No.
  11. Shopping with my highly opinionated daughter.  No.
  12. Not returning my texts.  No.
  13. Having to check my voicemail.  No.
  14. Snakes.  No.
  15. Peas.  No.
  16. When people say, “Where’s that at?”.  No.
  17. Using the wrong form of “your” .  No.
  18. Hair in the drain.  No.
  19. BJ’s (the store, people). No.
  20. Wal-Mart.  No.                                                  

I believe that covers it.  Take my word for it, it’s liberating to not have to explain yourself.  Just say, no. 

 

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Sometimes, I’m a pain in the…….. October 14, 2012

Filed under: funny,husbands,marriage,PMS — ddl6 @ 2:54 pm
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I have raging PMS right now.  That may be too much info for you, but I feel the need to warn the public.  I cried at Modern Family the other night.  I will cut anyone for a piece of chocolate.  I could eat a whole damn loaf of pumpkin bread.  If anyone so much as looks at me the wrong way, I want to rip their head off.  Unfortunately, my poor husband bares the brunt of this scary week each month.

The other day I was thinking about how much my husband was pissing me off. The more I thought about it the more irritated I became.  In an attempt to get out of my own head and to calm down, I began to list mentally, all the things that I do that piss my husband off.  I can blame PMS for many of my complaints about him,but not the other way around. So, I came up with a list of things that I do that tick P-Daddy off……I hope you enjoy it.

  1. I put things on his tool bench.  This ticks him off so much that when he annoys me, I do it just to spite him.
  2. Instead of eating a whole cookie, brownie or any sweet we have in the house, I just break off pieces all day. In my mind, that’s better than shoving a whole cookie in my mouth at one time.
  3. I constantly ask him medical questions as if he’s a doctor.  Then, I get mad when he doesn’t have the answers.
  4. When I watch anything about politics I get way too fired up and angry.  He won’t watch political shows with me anymore because I get too worked up.  The other night he looked at me in disbelief and said “Why are you yelling? We are on the same side.”  I’m passionate, okay?
  5. When we get in bed at night, I always want to talk about the day, to connect.  Oh,he wants to “connect” too, but in a much different way and all my talking gets in the way of his idea of a “connection.”
  6. When I get my hair colored, I ask him over and over if it looks good. Does it look natural? Is it blended okay? Is it the right shade? Does the color make me look old?  I know it drives him crazy, but I still do it.
  7. Parenthood, Cougar Town and Real Housewives of wherever.  I love all these shows and he can’t stand them.
  8. He is always right on time.  I am ALWAYS late.  Always.
  9. Pinterest.  I am obsessed with it and I want to show him all the awesome things I find on it.  He doesn’t share my enthusiasm……at all.  His eyes glaze over when I share the exciting new way of getting stains out of carpet or the great appetizer I found.
  10. I am always cold.  I have a winter uniform that I put on as soon as I walk in the house, all Mr. Rogers-like.  It’s a pink zip up fleece jacket.  Last year during the winter my husband worked in another state during the week, so I got in the habit of wearing my fleece jacket to bed.  One night, I climbed into bed with it on. He sat up in bed and asked me what the hell I was wearing?  I told him I was cold.  He said ” That’s embarrassing. No zip up jackets to bed.  What’s wrong with you?”
  11. I fall asleep during movies all the time.
  12. The way I drive really irritates him.  I go too slow.  I turn down the music when I’m turning left.  I don’t like to pass people.  I use my turning signal when I turn into the driveway.  He can’t stand it.
  13. I always hear noises at night and I want him to check them out.  Once, I was SURE that I heard someone downstairs so in a panic, I woke him up and asked him to go check it out.  He got out of bed, dressed, got a weapon and dialed 911 and gave me his phone.  He told me to press call if he told me to.  He went and searched the house.  It took a really long time and I was tired, so I feel asleep with the phone right next to me, all ready to dial 911.  He came upstairs after his search and there I was, sound asleep.  Ding dang, he was LIVID…….oops.
  14. Our laundry room is upstairs.  When I don’t feel like folding the  clothes right away, I throw them on our bed and sometimes forget to fold them.  He gets so annoyed when he goes to bed and there is a mountain of clothes on it.  He mutters under his breath and gets all pissy.
  15. P-Daddy also has an irrational fear of roaches.  I mean, nobody likes them, but he FLIPS out when he sees them.  He will kill them, but I am the one who has to flush them down the toilet.  I can’t help it, I always wave the roach in front of him and chase him with it.  Mr. I’m so Laid Back FREAKS out and starts dropping F bombs left and right, “Seriously Claire, that’s not f-ing funny!”  It’s hilarious.

That’s all I can think of at the moment.  I’m sure if you asked my husband, he could add a few more.  For better or worse, in good times and in bad, during PMS and after, he’s stuck with me.  Now, I’m off to show him this awesome idea for old toilet paper rolls I found on Pinterest.

 

The Honey DON’T list September 2, 2012

I love my husband.  He is my best friend and the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.  He is a wonderful husband and a fantastic father.   He was made for me.  All that being said, we have known each other since we were 14 years old and we have been married for 12 years, and sometimes, the man can irritate the hell out of me.  He does things that make me want to pull my hair out.  I know for a fact that I annoy the ding dang out of him, but he doesn’t have a blog to write all those annoying habits down.  I do……..so there.

When we were young, we would have these huge, dramatic fights about dumb things.  We would break up and get back together 3 times a week.  It was ridiculous.  Now, we rarely fight.  We just bitch at each other sometimes.  I can’t speak to what I do that irritates him, but I can sure speak to what he does that irritates the flip out of me.  Here we go….

He is a freak about doors being shut.  I swear, he will start yelling ” Shut the door!” before someone is even through the damn thing.  “You’re letting all the AC out” or “you’re letting all the heat out!”  Drives me and the kids batty!

He can’t stand to let me drive anywhere while he’s in the car.  He makes a comment about everything I do when I am driving.  “You know, you can pass this guy? Why are you staying in this lane?  Do you always go this slow? Why do you go this way?” Seriously???????

He can’t just eat a bowl of ice cream.  He has to scrape the bowl and get  EVERY. LAST. BIT of ice cream out.  That man leaves nothing behind in the bowl.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

When I can’t think of something to make for dinner and I ask him for an idea he says, “How about spaghetti?” Every time. Every single time…….I hate spaghetti.

Before he gets into bed at night, he takes off his clothes and leaves them on the floor by his side of the bed.  I wouldn’t care if he put them in the hamper in the morning,  but does he?  Nope.  Never.

Once, when our second child was about a month old and we were tired, cranky and overwhelmed, we got into an argument about sharing responsibilities and he said ” Well, you get to relax and clean the kitchen every night.” Ummm, what?  I still get annoyed about that little comment.

He knows that I have to make all the beds and have the kitchen clean before I can leave the house,  but he is ticked at me every Sunday before church when I do these things.  It’s been 12 years, buddy.  It ain’t gonna change.

He wants me to go to bed at the same time as him every night.  He won’t say that though. He will ask ” So are you going to watch this whole thing?  What time are you planning on going to bed?  You know we have to get up early?”  Then he will pout.  Drives me insane.

He is a very helpful father.  He is not one of those dads who doesn’t get up with the kids, make dinner, etc. BUT he pisses me off about the  wash.  He will casually ask ” Do I have any clean underwear? Shorts? ” I get bitchy every time he asks this, yet he still does.

Ironing.  When asks me if I have ironed for him it creates a white-hot rage within me.  I will go to extreme lengths not to iron my own clothes but he wants me to iron his??????  When he comes home and I have had a bad day and I’m talking to him about it, I am still surprised that he has the cojones to ask ” Did you get a chance to iron?”  Oh, no he didn’t?!?!? Yep, he did.

My husband is very handy.  Really, he can fix anything or build anything.  That is great most of the time, but it’s so annoying when I show him something that I want to do around the house and he says ” Oh, I can do that.”  I know he CAN but it takes him MONTHS to get around to doing it.  Sometimes, I would just rather pay someone.

He is the king of deals.  Really, he always finds a way to save money or get a deal on something.  That is great, but he always expects me to bargain like he does.  I don’t have that kind of personality.  He doesn’t give a flip about offending anyone with a lowball offer….doesn’t bother him one ding dang bit.  It bothers me and he just doesn’t understand why.

He doesn’t understand the need to buy clothes and shoes.  When I buy things he will say ” Don’t you already have a blue shirt?” As if I should only have ONE blue shirt. ” Don’t you have a pair of jeans? Do you really need more?” ….sigh.

He rarely gets mad or offended.  Now, this is a good and bad thing.  Sometimes when somebody has pissed me off and I tell him about it, I want him to be pissed too. No, he’s always so damn rational.  He always sees both sides.  How annoying.  I call my sister about things that really piss me off…….she’ll bitch with me.

He constantly moves his big toes.  Honestly, he is ALWAYS moving them.  Why?  That’s just weird.

Finally, the most annoying thing about my husband is that I can never stay mad or annoyed with him.  He always makes me laugh or smile when I don’t want to.  He brings out the best in me and always shows me the positive side of things.  Sometimes, I just want to be a miserable bitch.  Is that too much to ask?