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The Talk, Round Two September 16, 2013

The day was August 26th, 2013.  It was the first day of school for all four of my little monsters.  I was broken after almost 3 months of them being at home and me not having a single linear thought in my head in just as much time.  I hadn’t slept well the night before because I was tossing and turning thinking about my oldest child starting middle school.  I was also a bit emotional because once again, the start of school reminds me that my children are growing and changing quickly.  What I’m trying to convey, dear readers, is that it was absolutely NOT the day to have the sex talk with my child.  Especially not the child with whom I had the talk.  Not.  At.  All.

I had been through “the talk” last summer with my daughter.  It wasn’t something that I welcomed by any means, but my daughter is a good listener and I knew that she would take it all in stride.  Now, my oldest son?  Out of all my children, he is the one I feared telling the most.  To describe him as inquisitive would be a massive understatement.  The kid gives us the third degree about everything.  He is constantly looking up words because not only does he need definitions he needs to know everything about the word, origin and all.  It’s the same with facts.  He wants facts and wants evidence to support the facts.  He is not a child who will accept the phrase, “Just because.” No sir.  He is smart as a whip but he is exhausting.

Knowing this about my son, I have dreaded having  the “talk” with him for some time.  He started asking about it this past summer.  I was a chicken and blew him off several times because I just couldn’t face what was ahead of me.  I didn’t think I had it in me to answer all of his questions openly and honestly.  You know what?  I was right in being afraid.  So, here is the story of my oldest son learning about the birds and the bees……..Lord help me.

As I mentioned before, it was the first day of school.  The kids were all home and happy after what was a good first day.  My two youngest sons went with my husband to the pool and I was left with the two oldest kids, my daughter and son.  My daughter wanted to make chocolate chip cookies for a back to school treat and asked if I could take her to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.  My son came along for the ride.  We had a good time talking and laughing about school, their teachers and their friends.  We started discussing school holidays and when they had school breaks.  My son asked if our friends, the Scotts (hee, hee) would be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner this year.  I explained that of course they were welcome but Mrs. Scott was due to have a baby around that time so it may not work out.  Simple enough…….or so I thought.

It was quiet as we pulled into the garage.  I got out of the car and opened the trunk to get the groceries.  My son appeared out of nowhere and asked, ” Mom, does sex have something to do with babies?”  I almost dropped the milk I was carrying.  My daughter grabbed a bag and as she walked away called over her shoulder,  “Will you just have the sex talk with him already?”  My son put his hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eyes and said, ” You have been telling me we would have the talk all summer.  I am not leaving the garage until you tell me how babies are made.”  I look up to see my daughter right behind us, just shaking her head in disgust,  ” Really mom, you just need to get it over with.”  She is a pain in the ass.

I looked at my son, took a deep breath and replied,  ” Alright. Put the groceries away and meet me in the living room.” He yelled, “Yes!” My daughter said, in the bored way that only an 11-year-old girl can really master, “It’s about time, don’t you think?”  One sex talk and now she’s the parenting expert.

I poured myself a drink ( just iced tea mind you, but I contemplated a glass of wine) and made myself comfortable on the couch.  My son sat on the chair opposite me, literally on the edge of his seat. I took a deep breath and began.

Me: ” When a man and a woman love each other very much and are committed to each other they may want to have a family.  So they have sex to make a baby.”

Coop: “So, only married people have sex and babies?  What about that girl up the street who has that baby?  She lives with her mom and she’s not married.”

Me: ” Um, yes, but it’s better to be mature and um, in a committed relationship before, you know, making a baby.”

Coop: ” You mean have sex? Do you make a baby every time you have sex?  Is that only what sex is for?”

Sweet Jesus, I was already uncomfortable and unprepared and it wasn’t even 5 freaking minutes into the discussion.

Me: ” Can you just let me finish before you ask anymore questions?  Save them for the end, okay?” I hoped he would forget most of them.

Coop:” Okay. So what is sex?”

Me: ” Well, I told you when two people love each oth..”

Coop, cutting me off: ” Yeah, I know but what IS it?”

Me: Why was I doing this alone? Where in the hell was my husband? ” Okay, so sex is..” I was cut off by my daughter yelling from the other room, ” It’s when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina!” I was seriously going to ground that child for life.

Coop, Wide eyes looking at me: ” What??? Is that true??”

Me, nodding my head: ” Well, yes, but..”

Coop, laughing uncontrollably: ” AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! No way! Really??”

Me, yelling over my shoulder: ” Hey! You let me have the talk with your brother! Knock it off!” I heard giggling from the kitchen.

Caroline: ” Okay, I was just helping.”

Me, trying to regain some control: “Yes, that’s what sex is and how a man and woman make a baby.  See, the man’s sperm meets with a woman’s egg and when the timing is right that makes a baby.”

Coop: ” How does the sperm come out?”

Me, well shit: ” Well, a man, he….um…..he…..see, what happens is..” Cut off again by the flipping sex ed teacher in  the kitchen.

Caroline: ” He emasculates. That’s when the sperm comes out of the penis.” WHAT???? This was rapidly going downhill.

Me: ” No, a man does not “emasculate.” Caroline, I mean it, NO MORE! A man ejaculates. Big difference, believe me.”

Coop: “So, is that like peeing?” Please, someone help me.

Me: ” Well, no it’s not. It’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s……it’s when….well, I…maybe we should wait until your dad gets home for this part?”

Coop: “Where do you have sex?”

Me: “Where? Umm….”

Caroline: ” On the bathroom floor.” Okay, that did it! Obviously, I had failed big time when I had the talk with her.

Me: ” What in the world are you talking about, Caroline? No Coop, it doesn’t happen on the bathroom floor. Good grief. It usually happens in a bed.”

Caroline: ” Oh, I thought it was on bathroom floor. Huh.” I guess that’s what happens when they don’t ask questions, they just make crap up.

Coop: ” So where did you and Dad make me?” Wait, did he just ask about me and his dad? Oh, this was going very badly.

Me: ” Coop, I think maybe we should wait for your Dad…really.” My head started pounding.

Coop: ” How do you do it? Do you lay down? Does a man get on top of a woman, like this?” He climbed on the coffee table and demonstrated. Jesus, Mary and Joseph (as my mom would say) I had to make this stop. ” Was Dad on top of you?” Why was he talking about me and his father????

Caroline: ” Ewww, I don’t want to know.” Finally, she had a good point.

Coop: ” Are you naked when you have sex? Were you and Dad naked?” Kill me now. Just kill me. This was a nightmare, an absolute nightmare.

Me: ” Umm, yes people are usually naked.”

Coop: ” Does the butt have anything to do with it?”

Me: For the love of God, “Umm, no.” Please, no more questions.

Coop: ” Do boobs have anything to do with it?”

Me: “No.”

Coop: ” How does the penis get in the woman? It seems like that would be difficult to do.” Sigh, why had I agreed to this?

Caroline: ” During our reproduction unit last year, Mrs. B said that when a man is attracted to a woman, his penis gets hard.” Really, why was I even there? She could have just had the whole talk herself.

Caroline: ” Also, I heard that men think about sex every 7 seconds.” She smiled at me like she was helping or something.

Coop: ” Does Dad think about sex every 7 seconds?” Probably like, every 3 seconds, wait! I had to get this whole thing back on track.

Me: ” Cooper, making babies is a very special thing that happens between a man and a woman that love each other. It’s a miracle. I think there are some questions that you should ask your dad because he’s a guy and he can explain some things better than I can.” Please, please accept that answer……PLEASE!

Coop: ” You and Dad had sex four times? How long does it take for a baby to grow inside a woman and be ready to come out?”

Me: ” Pregnancy is about nine months.”

Coop: ” So, the last time you and Dad had sex (why did he keep bringing it back to us????) was about 9 months before Blake was born? So, about 5 years ago? That was the last time?”

Me: ” Uh……yes.” Don’t judge me.

Coop: ” Okaaaay…….so the Scotts had sex recently?”

Me: ” Yep, I guess so.” As long as he wasn’t asking anymore questions about me and his father, I would throw the ding dang Scotts under the bus.

Coop: ” How long has Caroline known about this?”

Me: ” We told her last summer.”

Coop: ” Does G (his buddy) know?”

Me: “Yes.”

Coop: ” Does C (another buddy) know?”

Me: ” Yes.”

Coop, after thinking for a bit: ” Will I want to have sex?”

Me: ” Yes. Someday.”

Coop: ” Does Dad still want to have sex with you even though you aren’t having anymore babies?” I think I passed out for a bit.

Me: ” Cooper, I am not going to discuss me and your Dad with you.”

Coop: ” Okay…..can I have ice cream?” Now, that was a question I could answer.

Coop left the room and went outside to play baseball. Caroline was still sitting in the room with me. She smiled at me and said, ” Well, I’m glad that’s over with. Aren’t you?” Yes, yes I am. Two down, two to go……

 

Sometimes, I’m a pain in the…….. October 14, 2012

Filed under: funny,husbands,marriage,PMS — ddl6 @ 2:54 pm
Tags: , , ,

I have raging PMS right now.  That may be too much info for you, but I feel the need to warn the public.  I cried at Modern Family the other night.  I will cut anyone for a piece of chocolate.  I could eat a whole damn loaf of pumpkin bread.  If anyone so much as looks at me the wrong way, I want to rip their head off.  Unfortunately, my poor husband bares the brunt of this scary week each month.

The other day I was thinking about how much my husband was pissing me off. The more I thought about it the more irritated I became.  In an attempt to get out of my own head and to calm down, I began to list mentally, all the things that I do that piss my husband off.  I can blame PMS for many of my complaints about him,but not the other way around. So, I came up with a list of things that I do that tick P-Daddy off……I hope you enjoy it.

  1. I put things on his tool bench.  This ticks him off so much that when he annoys me, I do it just to spite him.
  2. Instead of eating a whole cookie, brownie or any sweet we have in the house, I just break off pieces all day. In my mind, that’s better than shoving a whole cookie in my mouth at one time.
  3. I constantly ask him medical questions as if he’s a doctor.  Then, I get mad when he doesn’t have the answers.
  4. When I watch anything about politics I get way too fired up and angry.  He won’t watch political shows with me anymore because I get too worked up.  The other night he looked at me in disbelief and said “Why are you yelling? We are on the same side.”  I’m passionate, okay?
  5. When we get in bed at night, I always want to talk about the day, to connect.  Oh,he wants to “connect” too, but in a much different way and all my talking gets in the way of his idea of a “connection.”
  6. When I get my hair colored, I ask him over and over if it looks good. Does it look natural? Is it blended okay? Is it the right shade? Does the color make me look old?  I know it drives him crazy, but I still do it.
  7. Parenthood, Cougar Town and Real Housewives of wherever.  I love all these shows and he can’t stand them.
  8. He is always right on time.  I am ALWAYS late.  Always.
  9. Pinterest.  I am obsessed with it and I want to show him all the awesome things I find on it.  He doesn’t share my enthusiasm……at all.  His eyes glaze over when I share the exciting new way of getting stains out of carpet or the great appetizer I found.
  10. I am always cold.  I have a winter uniform that I put on as soon as I walk in the house, all Mr. Rogers-like.  It’s a pink zip up fleece jacket.  Last year during the winter my husband worked in another state during the week, so I got in the habit of wearing my fleece jacket to bed.  One night, I climbed into bed with it on. He sat up in bed and asked me what the hell I was wearing?  I told him I was cold.  He said ” That’s embarrassing. No zip up jackets to bed.  What’s wrong with you?”
  11. I fall asleep during movies all the time.
  12. The way I drive really irritates him.  I go too slow.  I turn down the music when I’m turning left.  I don’t like to pass people.  I use my turning signal when I turn into the driveway.  He can’t stand it.
  13. I always hear noises at night and I want him to check them out.  Once, I was SURE that I heard someone downstairs so in a panic, I woke him up and asked him to go check it out.  He got out of bed, dressed, got a weapon and dialed 911 and gave me his phone.  He told me to press call if he told me to.  He went and searched the house.  It took a really long time and I was tired, so I feel asleep with the phone right next to me, all ready to dial 911.  He came upstairs after his search and there I was, sound asleep.  Ding dang, he was LIVID…….oops.
  14. Our laundry room is upstairs.  When I don’t feel like folding the  clothes right away, I throw them on our bed and sometimes forget to fold them.  He gets so annoyed when he goes to bed and there is a mountain of clothes on it.  He mutters under his breath and gets all pissy.
  15. P-Daddy also has an irrational fear of roaches.  I mean, nobody likes them, but he FLIPS out when he sees them.  He will kill them, but I am the one who has to flush them down the toilet.  I can’t help it, I always wave the roach in front of him and chase him with it.  Mr. I’m so Laid Back FREAKS out and starts dropping F bombs left and right, “Seriously Claire, that’s not f-ing funny!”  It’s hilarious.

That’s all I can think of at the moment.  I’m sure if you asked my husband, he could add a few more.  For better or worse, in good times and in bad, during PMS and after, he’s stuck with me.  Now, I’m off to show him this awesome idea for old toilet paper rolls I found on Pinterest.

 

How I met P-Daddy September 23, 2012

I met my husband when we were 14 years old…….a long time ago.  We met in Mrs. B. Williams 9th grade English class.   He sat in the back and I sat in the front.  I was new to the  school, having moved to Florida two weeks before school started.  I was very shy and very angry that my parents had moved me away from New Mexico, the only home I had known.

I noticed him at the beginning of the school year but I was too busy”pining” away for my life in NM to really pay close attention.  Then, one spring day, he was standing at the teacher’s desk asking a question and I looked up at him.  Now, I am not an overly romantic or mushy type person (ask my husband) but I swear to you, it was like some kind of light was shining on that boy.  I saw a future with him.  I saw him talking to our children.  I always have a hard time explaining what I felt in that instant,  but I guess you could say, it was sort of love at first sight.  I was freaked out by it to tell the truth.  I mean, I thought he was cute and nice and funny but in that moment, it was as if I was being “told” that he was the one.  I know, it sounds corny, but it’s the truth.  I decided then and there that I had to know him.  So, here is the story of our beginning and how “we” almost didn’t happen because of a serious fashion “don’t” committed by him.

I started, like any 14-year-old girl does, by asking all my friends and his friends about him.  I asked where he lived, what sport he played, where he was from and most importantly, who he liked.  One of our mutual friends assured me he would talk to him and find out if he had noticed me as well.  A series of notes were sent back and forth between myself and my friend.  The gist of the notes was, yes, he knew who I was and he thought I was “cute”.  He kind of “liked” me and two other girls.  Well, that annoyed me and I told my friend to tell him that I liked a couple other boys too.  This went on for a couple of weeks and then, one afternoon our mutual friend handed me a note from “him”.  I still have it to this day. He wrote that he really wanted to get to know me, but he had to go out-of-town to his brother’s graduation from college.  He hoped that I would still like him when he got back……in like 5 days.  A little dramatic, but come on, we were 14.

On the day that he was coming back, I took extra care getting ready for school.  We all waited in the cafeteria for the first bell to ring and every time the door opened my eyes flew up to see if it was him.  Finally, he walked in and he looked around and met my eyes and smiled.  For the next couple of weeks that was pretty much all that was exchanged between us, smiles and the occasional “Hey.”  He was and still is, a man of few words.

One Friday, a friend of mine invited me to go with her church youth group to play broom ball.  Broom ball is like ice hockey but with a broom and ball.  It didn’t sound like something I would be interested in until she mentioned that HE would be there.  I accepted the invitation quickly.

I took my time getting ready that night.  I painstakingly picked out my outfit.  Took an hour to blow dry my hair and so on.  Finally, I was on my way to the church to meet my friend and see my “future husband”. My mom dropped me off and I made my way across the sea of kids.

I found my friends and kept looking around for him.  More and more kids showed up and time was passing but no sign of Mr. Right.  I was beginning to regret my decision to play flipping broom ball, then, I spotted him across the room.  It was like the skies parted and a beam of light shone on my curly-haired prince.  I heard violins and trumpets.  We made our way across the room to each other and as we got closer, people moved out-of-the-way.  We locked eyes and smiles.  It was very teen movie-like.Then…….. I saw what he was wearing.  The heavenly music scratched to a stop and the beam of light on him was covered by dark storm clouds.  Oh.  My. Word.

This boy, who I had already decided was going to be the father of my children, was wearing navy blue sweatpants (the old school kind with elastic at the bottom) and, God Bless him, brown LOAFERS.  What in the world? There he was, standing in front of me, actually saying more than “Hey.” and all I could do was look at his outfit.  I started questioning everything.  Maybe he wasn’t the guy for me after all?  I’d find another soul mate, right?  It was……tragic.

I took a deep breath, searched my soul and decided then and there that I would be a “good person” and give this poor boy a chance to redeem himself.  We have all made bad fashion choices right?  I chose to overlook this little incident in order to see if we had a future together.  Maybe I could be the one to “help” him be a fashion “do” in the future?  I was willing to give it a shot…….that’s the kind of girl I am.

To this day, he is touchy about the whole “sweatpants with loafers” incident.  He says ” They weren’t loafers.  They were topsiders.”  Does it really matter, folks? As if that would make it better?  He says, IF he did wear sweatpants and loafers, it was because he was playing broom ball and he could” slide faster” on the ice and the atrocious sweatpants were for “padding” on the ice……..riiiiiiiiight.  He can explain it away all he wants, but I know the truth.  You know what?  I love him anyway.

 

The Honey DON’T list September 2, 2012

I love my husband.  He is my best friend and the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.  He is a wonderful husband and a fantastic father.   He was made for me.  All that being said, we have known each other since we were 14 years old and we have been married for 12 years, and sometimes, the man can irritate the hell out of me.  He does things that make me want to pull my hair out.  I know for a fact that I annoy the ding dang out of him, but he doesn’t have a blog to write all those annoying habits down.  I do……..so there.

When we were young, we would have these huge, dramatic fights about dumb things.  We would break up and get back together 3 times a week.  It was ridiculous.  Now, we rarely fight.  We just bitch at each other sometimes.  I can’t speak to what I do that irritates him, but I can sure speak to what he does that irritates the flip out of me.  Here we go….

He is a freak about doors being shut.  I swear, he will start yelling ” Shut the door!” before someone is even through the damn thing.  “You’re letting all the AC out” or “you’re letting all the heat out!”  Drives me and the kids batty!

He can’t stand to let me drive anywhere while he’s in the car.  He makes a comment about everything I do when I am driving.  “You know, you can pass this guy? Why are you staying in this lane?  Do you always go this slow? Why do you go this way?” Seriously???????

He can’t just eat a bowl of ice cream.  He has to scrape the bowl and get  EVERY. LAST. BIT of ice cream out.  That man leaves nothing behind in the bowl.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

When I can’t think of something to make for dinner and I ask him for an idea he says, “How about spaghetti?” Every time. Every single time…….I hate spaghetti.

Before he gets into bed at night, he takes off his clothes and leaves them on the floor by his side of the bed.  I wouldn’t care if he put them in the hamper in the morning,  but does he?  Nope.  Never.

Once, when our second child was about a month old and we were tired, cranky and overwhelmed, we got into an argument about sharing responsibilities and he said ” Well, you get to relax and clean the kitchen every night.” Ummm, what?  I still get annoyed about that little comment.

He knows that I have to make all the beds and have the kitchen clean before I can leave the house,  but he is ticked at me every Sunday before church when I do these things.  It’s been 12 years, buddy.  It ain’t gonna change.

He wants me to go to bed at the same time as him every night.  He won’t say that though. He will ask ” So are you going to watch this whole thing?  What time are you planning on going to bed?  You know we have to get up early?”  Then he will pout.  Drives me insane.

He is a very helpful father.  He is not one of those dads who doesn’t get up with the kids, make dinner, etc. BUT he pisses me off about the  wash.  He will casually ask ” Do I have any clean underwear? Shorts? ” I get bitchy every time he asks this, yet he still does.

Ironing.  When asks me if I have ironed for him it creates a white-hot rage within me.  I will go to extreme lengths not to iron my own clothes but he wants me to iron his??????  When he comes home and I have had a bad day and I’m talking to him about it, I am still surprised that he has the cojones to ask ” Did you get a chance to iron?”  Oh, no he didn’t?!?!? Yep, he did.

My husband is very handy.  Really, he can fix anything or build anything.  That is great most of the time, but it’s so annoying when I show him something that I want to do around the house and he says ” Oh, I can do that.”  I know he CAN but it takes him MONTHS to get around to doing it.  Sometimes, I would just rather pay someone.

He is the king of deals.  Really, he always finds a way to save money or get a deal on something.  That is great, but he always expects me to bargain like he does.  I don’t have that kind of personality.  He doesn’t give a flip about offending anyone with a lowball offer….doesn’t bother him one ding dang bit.  It bothers me and he just doesn’t understand why.

He doesn’t understand the need to buy clothes and shoes.  When I buy things he will say ” Don’t you already have a blue shirt?” As if I should only have ONE blue shirt. ” Don’t you have a pair of jeans? Do you really need more?” ….sigh.

He rarely gets mad or offended.  Now, this is a good and bad thing.  Sometimes when somebody has pissed me off and I tell him about it, I want him to be pissed too. No, he’s always so damn rational.  He always sees both sides.  How annoying.  I call my sister about things that really piss me off…….she’ll bitch with me.

He constantly moves his big toes.  Honestly, he is ALWAYS moving them.  Why?  That’s just weird.

Finally, the most annoying thing about my husband is that I can never stay mad or annoyed with him.  He always makes me laugh or smile when I don’t want to.  He brings out the best in me and always shows me the positive side of things.  Sometimes, I just want to be a miserable bitch.  Is that too much to ask?

 

Surprise August 9, 2012

Expect the unexpected.   I think that phrase pretty much sums up motherhood for me.    It’s a roller coaster ride with twists and turns that you don’t see coming.  Each day brings new joys, new heartaches and new adventures.  The vision I had of motherhood is nothing like the reality.  I naively thought because I was around many children all the time before I got married that I had it all figured out. Boy, was I WRONG.  I have been pleasantly and at times, not so pleasantly, surprised.  I have narrowed my surprises down to a list of ten.  If you are so inclined, please share with me your own surprises.  I love to hear other mother’s, actually, other parent’s stories.  It’s comforting to know I’m not alone on this crazy ride.

  1. The first surprise was the absolute and all-encompassing love I feel for my children.  I expected to love them, of course, but I didn’t expect my heart to feel as though it would burst just looking at them.  I would stare at them when they were babies and cry because of the strength of my love for each one of them.
  2. The next thing that shocked the hell out of me was that you can love more than one child with that fierce, powerful love.  When I was pregnant with my second child, I would call my mom and cry because I was sure I would never love him as much as I love my daughter.  My mom assured me that would not be the case, but I don’t think I believed her.  Then I took one look at his little scrunched up newborn face and my heart swelled just as it had with my daughter.  I was once again, in love.  I fell in love two more times after him.
  3. My next surprise was that even though I love and adore all my children, a couple of them have personalities that just mesh better with mine.  The same is true for my husband.  I felt badly about this for a while, because I wanted everything to be equal all the time, but just as I am a person with a distinct personality, so are they.  I am okay with this fact now, but it took me until I had my fourth, to be okay with it.
  4. Parenthood is exhausting, especially in the beginning, and I still can’t believe what I can and could accomplish on 2 hours of sleep.  I can make 25 cupcakes for a class, clean the house from top to bottom, help with multiplication homework, plan a party, and so on.  It kind of makes me feel like a rock star.
  5. Before I had kids, I heard about the “mama bear” instinct.  I didn’t fully understand the truth and strength of this instinct.  I have been a ” mama bear” a few times and let me tell you, I think I could rip off someone’s head with my bare hands or lift up a ding dang truck. When I feel like my child is hurt or has been wronged it is a visceral reaction.  Look out.
  6. I loved my husband before we had children.  I mean really loved him in an eye rolling, gag me kind of way, but watching him become a father has made that love even stronger than ever.  Watching him walk around the house singing to a screaming newborn, play countless games of catch or comfort my daughter as she cries because her feelings have been hurt, is a beautiful thing.
  7. The next surprise is actually a big one for me. The fact that I can take care of a child that is puking and not pass out or puke myself, is flipping amazing to me.  I had a serious issue with vomit , growing up.  I can honestly say, of all the things I worried about when I thought of being a mother, the fact that I would some day have to take care of a barfing kid scared me most.  Well, now I have been puked on, caught puke in my hands and even had a kid puke in my mouth.  I have conquered my fear.
  8. Before having kids I had a so, so relationship with my body.  I was always trying to “improve” it somehow because it wasn’t good enough.  When I looked in the mirror, it was the flaws that I saw. Now, after being pregnant four times and breastfeeding four babies, I have accepted my body how it is.  I marveled at how huge my belly and breasts got,  but not in a negative way like I thought would be the case.  I carried four tiny humans in my body and I nourished them with it too. So what if my butt is not as high? So what if my boobs have to be tucked into my bra?  So what if my kids say my belly is “squishy” and “comfy”?  I truly don’t care anymore.  It’s a welcome surprise.
  9. I had a miscarriage 9 years ago and I’m surprised at how much it still hurts to think about.  I thought that with time,  I would forget that pain of losing “what was to be”, but each year on the day that I lost the baby and the due date of that baby, I am sad.
  10. Finally, I’m surprised at how ding dang hard it is to be a parent.  It doesn’t get easier, the difficulty just changes as the children grow.  My heart is broken on a daily basis. I’m constantly worried about these four little people I have been blessed with.  There are some days I can’t form a complete sentence because I’m so overwhelmed and exhausted. But, I love it.  I really ding dang love it.
 

The whine list July 2, 2012

The whine list.

 

The whine list July 1, 2012

I don’t know if it’s this dreadful heat, the fact that my kids still have 7 more weeks of summer break, or PMS, but I have been in a ding dang bad mood. Everything is irritating me lately. I’m even bringing myself down. So, as I was trying to come up with a new blog post, an idea came to me: I decided to make a “batpoop list”.  A list of all the things that drive me batpoop crazy.  It might be cathartic for me and maybe I’ll stop being such a B about everything. Cross your fingers.

Before I start, I just want to state that in general, I am a pretty happy person. I love my life. Sure, bad stuff happens, but bad stuff happens to everyone. I am blessed beyond belief and I know it. I just feel like complaining. Is that so wrong? If a girl can’t complain on her own blog, where can she complain? Without any further ado, here in no particular order is my “List of things that drive me batpoop crazy”. If you can relate to anything on this list, give me a “WORD.”

  • Unmade beds.I can’t stand the sight of an unmade bed. It seriously causes anxiety for me. I can’t leave the house until all beds are nice and neat. The problem is, an unmade bed doesn’t bother anyone else in my family.
  • I have talked about this next one before. I hate it when I let someone in front of me, whether it’s in the carpool line at my kid’s school, on the road, parking lot or whatever, and I don’t get the “thank-you” wave. It pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. I’m not asking for a thank-you note, just a little wave.
  • Peas. I think they smell and taste like feet. Yuck.
  • When my kids argue. Oh.My.Word, it drives me crazy!!!!! Seriously, y’all are going to fight about who saw the punchbuggy first? Really????
  • When my kids call my name from upstairs when I’m downstairs or vice versa. But they don’t wait for me to answer, they just yell “MOM,MOM, MOM,MOM,MOM!” Over and over again. Oh, no they didn’t.
  • Grocery shopping with my kids. Do I really need to explain myself?
  • Shopping with my husband. Again, no explanation needed.
  • The band Creed. Hate them.
  • When a parent says “My child would never say or do that.” That will bite you in the arse one day, believe me.
  • When my husband says “Relax.” when I’m angry. I can almost guarantee that I will not relax. My head will probably start spinning around and green bile will fly out of my mouth.
  • The fact that my children seem to “forget” everyday tasks like, putting clothes in the hamper, hanging up wet towels, closing doors behind them, brushing teeth and hair. Why? How?
  • The fact that the boys cannot put all their pee in the toilet……ever.
  • Getting into a cold bed. F-bombs will fly out of my mouth in rapid succession.
  • Unsolicited parenting advice. Ummm, I’m sorry, did I ask for your opinion? Probably not.
  • The sound of the TV on during the day.
  • The fact that I will say to my husband “You just don’t know how badly they behave sometimes. YOU take them on errands and see how it is!” He will take all 4 to do something like grocery shop or to church and they are perfect little angels……. punks.
  • Making dinner in the summer. Why is it so damn hard?
  • When my husband asks me to iron for him. It really makes me mad and I don’t know why. It’s weird.
  • When people see that my birthday is December 26th and feel the need to tell me why that sucks. Thank you. Now, please tell me something I don’t know. It’s been my birthday for 36 years….I get it.
  • Maybe because my birthday is when it is,  I can’t stand Christmas after Christmas. One of my presents each year is that my husband and kids take down the tree and all other things Christmas on my birthday. And when I see a wreath or lights up too long after, it kind of infuriates me.
  • My children talking to me after bedtime. When I have given baths, read stories and kissed foreheads, that’s it, my shift is over.
  • When complete strangers make comments regarding the size of our family or ask about my form of birth control. It’s rude and uncalled for and it suprises me every time.
  • When I tell people I’m a stay at home mom and they say ” Oh, so you don’t work?” Nope, not at all! I just sit and watch Real Housewives all day, jerk.
  • People who always have it “worse” than you. Example, you mention you have a cold and they say “Well, I flatlined last night.” Okay, you win.
  • When people say to me “You’re going to miss this.” I know I will, really I do. But right now, my 2-year -old is begging me to read to him while I’m trying to make dinner,my 5-year-old is crying because his Lego tower keeps falling over, my 8 and 10- year- olds are engaged in WWIII because one looked the wrong way at the other one. I will miss it, but I need a few years to forget how hard it really is.

That’s about all I can think of right now. You know what? I am actually feeling better. Thanks for listening.