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The Talk, Round Two September 16, 2013

The day was August 26th, 2013.  It was the first day of school for all four of my little monsters.  I was broken after almost 3 months of them being at home and me not having a single linear thought in my head in just as much time.  I hadn’t slept well the night before because I was tossing and turning thinking about my oldest child starting middle school.  I was also a bit emotional because once again, the start of school reminds me that my children are growing and changing quickly.  What I’m trying to convey, dear readers, is that it was absolutely NOT the day to have the sex talk with my child.  Especially not the child with whom I had the talk.  Not.  At.  All.

I had been through “the talk” last summer with my daughter.  It wasn’t something that I welcomed by any means, but my daughter is a good listener and I knew that she would take it all in stride.  Now, my oldest son?  Out of all my children, he is the one I feared telling the most.  To describe him as inquisitive would be a massive understatement.  The kid gives us the third degree about everything.  He is constantly looking up words because not only does he need definitions he needs to know everything about the word, origin and all.  It’s the same with facts.  He wants facts and wants evidence to support the facts.  He is not a child who will accept the phrase, “Just because.” No sir.  He is smart as a whip but he is exhausting.

Knowing this about my son, I have dreaded having  the “talk” with him for some time.  He started asking about it this past summer.  I was a chicken and blew him off several times because I just couldn’t face what was ahead of me.  I didn’t think I had it in me to answer all of his questions openly and honestly.  You know what?  I was right in being afraid.  So, here is the story of my oldest son learning about the birds and the bees……..Lord help me.

As I mentioned before, it was the first day of school.  The kids were all home and happy after what was a good first day.  My two youngest sons went with my husband to the pool and I was left with the two oldest kids, my daughter and son.  My daughter wanted to make chocolate chip cookies for a back to school treat and asked if I could take her to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.  My son came along for the ride.  We had a good time talking and laughing about school, their teachers and their friends.  We started discussing school holidays and when they had school breaks.  My son asked if our friends, the Scotts (hee, hee) would be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner this year.  I explained that of course they were welcome but Mrs. Scott was due to have a baby around that time so it may not work out.  Simple enough…….or so I thought.

It was quiet as we pulled into the garage.  I got out of the car and opened the trunk to get the groceries.  My son appeared out of nowhere and asked, ” Mom, does sex have something to do with babies?”  I almost dropped the milk I was carrying.  My daughter grabbed a bag and as she walked away called over her shoulder,  “Will you just have the sex talk with him already?”  My son put his hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eyes and said, ” You have been telling me we would have the talk all summer.  I am not leaving the garage until you tell me how babies are made.”  I look up to see my daughter right behind us, just shaking her head in disgust,  ” Really mom, you just need to get it over with.”  She is a pain in the ass.

I looked at my son, took a deep breath and replied,  ” Alright. Put the groceries away and meet me in the living room.” He yelled, “Yes!” My daughter said, in the bored way that only an 11-year-old girl can really master, “It’s about time, don’t you think?”  One sex talk and now she’s the parenting expert.

I poured myself a drink ( just iced tea mind you, but I contemplated a glass of wine) and made myself comfortable on the couch.  My son sat on the chair opposite me, literally on the edge of his seat. I took a deep breath and began.

Me: ” When a man and a woman love each other very much and are committed to each other they may want to have a family.  So they have sex to make a baby.”

Coop: “So, only married people have sex and babies?  What about that girl up the street who has that baby?  She lives with her mom and she’s not married.”

Me: ” Um, yes, but it’s better to be mature and um, in a committed relationship before, you know, making a baby.”

Coop: ” You mean have sex? Do you make a baby every time you have sex?  Is that only what sex is for?”

Sweet Jesus, I was already uncomfortable and unprepared and it wasn’t even 5 freaking minutes into the discussion.

Me: ” Can you just let me finish before you ask anymore questions?  Save them for the end, okay?” I hoped he would forget most of them.

Coop:” Okay. So what is sex?”

Me: ” Well, I told you when two people love each oth..”

Coop, cutting me off: ” Yeah, I know but what IS it?”

Me: Why was I doing this alone? Where in the hell was my husband? ” Okay, so sex is..” I was cut off by my daughter yelling from the other room, ” It’s when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina!” I was seriously going to ground that child for life.

Coop, Wide eyes looking at me: ” What??? Is that true??”

Me, nodding my head: ” Well, yes, but..”

Coop, laughing uncontrollably: ” AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! No way! Really??”

Me, yelling over my shoulder: ” Hey! You let me have the talk with your brother! Knock it off!” I heard giggling from the kitchen.

Caroline: ” Okay, I was just helping.”

Me, trying to regain some control: “Yes, that’s what sex is and how a man and woman make a baby.  See, the man’s sperm meets with a woman’s egg and when the timing is right that makes a baby.”

Coop: ” How does the sperm come out?”

Me, well shit: ” Well, a man, he….um…..he…..see, what happens is..” Cut off again by the flipping sex ed teacher in  the kitchen.

Caroline: ” He emasculates. That’s when the sperm comes out of the penis.” WHAT???? This was rapidly going downhill.

Me: ” No, a man does not “emasculate.” Caroline, I mean it, NO MORE! A man ejaculates. Big difference, believe me.”

Coop: “So, is that like peeing?” Please, someone help me.

Me: ” Well, no it’s not. It’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s……it’s when….well, I…maybe we should wait until your dad gets home for this part?”

Coop: “Where do you have sex?”

Me: “Where? Umm….”

Caroline: ” On the bathroom floor.” Okay, that did it! Obviously, I had failed big time when I had the talk with her.

Me: ” What in the world are you talking about, Caroline? No Coop, it doesn’t happen on the bathroom floor. Good grief. It usually happens in a bed.”

Caroline: ” Oh, I thought it was on bathroom floor. Huh.” I guess that’s what happens when they don’t ask questions, they just make crap up.

Coop: ” So where did you and Dad make me?” Wait, did he just ask about me and his dad? Oh, this was going very badly.

Me: ” Coop, I think maybe we should wait for your Dad…really.” My head started pounding.

Coop: ” How do you do it? Do you lay down? Does a man get on top of a woman, like this?” He climbed on the coffee table and demonstrated. Jesus, Mary and Joseph (as my mom would say) I had to make this stop. ” Was Dad on top of you?” Why was he talking about me and his father????

Caroline: ” Ewww, I don’t want to know.” Finally, she had a good point.

Coop: ” Are you naked when you have sex? Were you and Dad naked?” Kill me now. Just kill me. This was a nightmare, an absolute nightmare.

Me: ” Umm, yes people are usually naked.”

Coop: ” Does the butt have anything to do with it?”

Me: For the love of God, “Umm, no.” Please, no more questions.

Coop: ” Do boobs have anything to do with it?”

Me: “No.”

Coop: ” How does the penis get in the woman? It seems like that would be difficult to do.” Sigh, why had I agreed to this?

Caroline: ” During our reproduction unit last year, Mrs. B said that when a man is attracted to a woman, his penis gets hard.” Really, why was I even there? She could have just had the whole talk herself.

Caroline: ” Also, I heard that men think about sex every 7 seconds.” She smiled at me like she was helping or something.

Coop: ” Does Dad think about sex every 7 seconds?” Probably like, every 3 seconds, wait! I had to get this whole thing back on track.

Me: ” Cooper, making babies is a very special thing that happens between a man and a woman that love each other. It’s a miracle. I think there are some questions that you should ask your dad because he’s a guy and he can explain some things better than I can.” Please, please accept that answer……PLEASE!

Coop: ” You and Dad had sex four times? How long does it take for a baby to grow inside a woman and be ready to come out?”

Me: ” Pregnancy is about nine months.”

Coop: ” So, the last time you and Dad had sex (why did he keep bringing it back to us????) was about 9 months before Blake was born? So, about 5 years ago? That was the last time?”

Me: ” Uh……yes.” Don’t judge me.

Coop: ” Okaaaay…….so the Scotts had sex recently?”

Me: ” Yep, I guess so.” As long as he wasn’t asking anymore questions about me and his father, I would throw the ding dang Scotts under the bus.

Coop: ” How long has Caroline known about this?”

Me: ” We told her last summer.”

Coop: ” Does G (his buddy) know?”

Me: “Yes.”

Coop: ” Does C (another buddy) know?”

Me: ” Yes.”

Coop, after thinking for a bit: ” Will I want to have sex?”

Me: ” Yes. Someday.”

Coop: ” Does Dad still want to have sex with you even though you aren’t having anymore babies?” I think I passed out for a bit.

Me: ” Cooper, I am not going to discuss me and your Dad with you.”

Coop: ” Okay…..can I have ice cream?” Now, that was a question I could answer.

Coop left the room and went outside to play baseball. Caroline was still sitting in the room with me. She smiled at me and said, ” Well, I’m glad that’s over with. Aren’t you?” Yes, yes I am. Two down, two to go……

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8 Responses to “The Talk, Round Two”

  1. Nanette Peterson Says:

    I am laughing so hard! sorry….but this is funny! Your kids are great and your a great Mom Claire!

  2. Jodi Kemper Says:

    Hilarious!!

  3. Cynthia Says:

    Hysterical!! I’m sorry and thank you for sharing!

  4. Kristel Says:

    “Emasculates!” Something like that? Great blog.

  5. Melanie B. Says:

    Oh. My. This was hilarious!!!!!! The commentary was the best. You crack me up!!!!!! 🙂

  6. Jake's mom Says:

    I can’t breathe. I’m dying. I’m sending my kids to you when it’s time for “the talk”.

  7. stephanie Says:

    Oh Claire! I have been putting it off and my son is 9. I keep referring to the cows and bulls that we raise but he hasn’t quite made the connection to humans….I am dreading it!!!


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