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The Birds and the Bees June 26, 2012

Filed under: children,funny,motherhood,Parenting — ddl6 @ 3:51 pm
Tags: , , ,

I dread talking to my kids about sex. Really, really dread it. I know it’s natural and it’s a part of life, but it also marks the end of some of their innocence, and that makes me sad. My daughter is ten, and if we don’t talk to her soon, some freaky kid on the bus is going to tell her about it and that would be bad.

I think I’m so hesitant to talk to them about sex because I can remember my parents talking to me about it. I was in third grade and I came home PISSED because some kid told me all of these LIES about how babies are made. I told him and all the other kids who had gathered to watch our argument, that what he said was simply wrong. Moms and dads prayed to God for a baby and God gave them a baby……duh. That night when I proudly told my mother how I had set that idiot straight, she took a deep breath and told me the truth. At some point during the conversation, it occurred to me that MY mom and dad had done what she was explaining….I think I blacked out after that realization. I am still a bit traumatized by the whole thing.

There have been opportunities to talk to my kids about it, but it never seems to be the right time. When I was pregnant with my fourth child my son Cooper, was 5. He asked me one day how the baby had gotten in my belly. I fed him the same BS my parents had fed me “Well, your dad and I prayed about a baby and this is the answer to our prayer.” He looked at me like I was moron and said ” Yeah, but how did it get IN there?” I replied ” Is your room clean?” Redirection…….it’s in all the parenting books…don’t judge.

Another missed opportunity came when Cooper was in 1st grade. My husband had taken the older children to run errands while I stayed at home with the napping baby. I heard them come in the house and I came downstairs. Before my feet hit the bottom step, my husband threw a grenade at my feet…..a suprise attack. ” Honey, Coop asked me if I know what sex is.” He and Coop stood there looking at me. I could have killed my husband at that moment. I kicked his ass in my mind. “Well, what do you think it is, buddy?” He said ” Johnny, in my class said it’s when a mommy has her shirt off and a daddy has his pants off and they kiss.” What the hell did little Johnny see? Some ding dang kinky stuff, that’s what. Anyway. I leaned down and looked my son in the eyes ” Buddy, sex is something that mom and dad want to discuss with you when we feel you are ready. Does that make sense?” He seemed satisfied with that answer and went outside to play. My daughter who, unbeknownst to us, had been reading on the couch, stood up. She looked at us in her bored, “these people are so simple” kind of way and said ” Why didn’t you tell him the truth about sex?” Holy shit, I was about to be busted by a third grader. ” It’s when you find out the “sex” of your baby……..duh.” With that she went upstairs. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

A couple of months ago, my husband and I were watching The Blind Side. The movie was almost over when Coop walked in to say goodnight. He walked in just as Sandra Bullock said, ” If you get a girl pregnant, I will drive up here and cut off your penis.” Cooper turned to us with wide eyes and asked ” What does a penis have to do with a girl getting pregnant?” I looked at my husband. Could this be the time for the talk? My husband turned to our son “I don’t know brother, but when a woman starts talking about cutting off a penis, I get the heck outta there. Now, go to bed.” Innocent for another day……….

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8 Responses to “The Birds and the Bees”

  1. Oh you will know when the time is right! Mine pinned me down in the car with all the talk about how the lab got the lab in the mom poodle to make the Labradoodle! Oh my word! It was so funny I put it in our Christmas letter! For real! I had no time to plan but I must admit I did an ok job. Stop by my site and search for “chicken joint” or “poodle” or “where is my husband?”. 😉

  2. Melanie B. Says:

    I bought a cartoon book that was age appropriate when Isabella asked about sex. For a cartoon book… it was very detailed and graphic. My mom just told me to “keep reading a keep a straight face.” So I did. All I could see out of the corner of my eye was Isabella’s SHOCKED expression, mouth dropped open and she said “wait. wait wait. Did you and daddy DO that?” (yes, three times for three kids!) Then, the other awful part was regarding SPERM. She said “what happens to the thousands of sperm if they don’t fertilize the egg?” I said “they die.” and said yells “You have DEAD sperm in you?” Ugh. Thanks cartoon book.

    • ddl6 Says:

      Haha! Hilarious Melanie! “Did you and daddy DO that?” See, that’s what I’m terrified of! They will never look at us the same way again! I might need to borrow that book from you;)

      I talked to Caroline about what is going to happen to her when she reaches puberty. She asked when it would happen and somehow, she didn’t understand that she would get her period every month. When I dropped that bomb she said “You’re kidding right?” Bless her heart and not in the mean way;)

  3. Looooool. Your husband is a smart guy! ^^

  4. amy manuel Says:

    Ding dang Fantastic! ;).


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